Some People Choose Not To Respond Effectively; Others Can't

By Rabbi Shmuel Gluck

 Many people tell me that when their children, who are younger than 6 years old, are asked to sit quietly for a few short minutes, as a punishment, they "go wild". When teenagers' ask for rides and are rejected, they'll lash out disproportionately. When some simple things happens in the home, spouses may respond as if something more extreme has happened. Family members, and outside observers, may wonder why these people are overreacting. Is something really wrong with them?

While there may be many explanations for this seemingly illogical behavior, in this article, I'll offer two simple, common, ones.

1. All three people involved haven't learned any alternative response. They're missing basic social, and interactive, skills. Without an effective response the situation is incurable, and leaves the three of them with a feeling of severe frustration. When they're frustrated, their reaction becomes understandable.

Most people have felt helpless at some point of their lives, and it frustrated them. Now, imagine feeling constantly helpless, and the people around you don't see your frustration. On the contrary, they look "down" at you. From that perspective, their reaction to being frustrated becomes understandable.

A friend's five year old child would go into a frenzy at the slightest punishment. He didn't know that he could say, "If I sit quietly for five minutes, will I be able to go out and play?" The answer would have been yes, and the ordeal wouldn't have "required" several hours of crying and screaming. The child saw the rejection as something for which he had no way out.

In that scenario, the solution was to calmly explain to the child that s/he had an "escape route", and what it was. As the child matures, s/he's taught more escape routes, more negotiating skills, and, as a result, s/he becomes calmer, and more effective, as s/he becomes older.

The same explanation, and approach, applies to teenagers, and adults. They aren't "bad" or "insensitive". They haven't learned effective escape routes. There are two common (There are more than two) reasons that they haven't automatically developed these "skills" as they matured:

a) Their social skills aren't, naturally, strong. In some cases it's because they just never picked them up, or they may be "different" such as being autistic. When they do pick them up, they'll be the same as everyone.

b) Their parents shut down those routes. When they, respectfully, asked for a favor, the parents would respond impatiently, and reject it, when most parents would have compromised. These children had the natural skills, but were "taught" that those skills won't work.

Children see their homes as a "micro" world. They assume that whatever doesn't work in their homes, also won't work in other homes, and situations. After countless negative outcomes, they stop trying to use their instincts, and forget about escape routes. They become frustrated, angry, and lash out at others.

Understanding this in concept, and sensing it as a cause, will turn what seemed like an "impossible" person, into one who can be managed, and even be pleasant. It will turn crisis into control, and those who were expected to fail into those who'll choose success.

In order to help them to succeed, parents, and friends, need to be patient and, sometimes, even allow them to finish their tirades, before "walking" them through their escape routes. Parents and spouses, with a long history of negative interactions may not always be the best suited to do this although, after years of relationship building with the difficult child/spouse, they may be the only ones who can help them succeed.

2. All these people appear to interact ineffectively, and make subconscious decisions, unaware that they've made any choices. Most people have had conversations in which one of the people insists on arguing every point because, s/he believed, that s/he's the only one who understands what's being discussed. S/he may argue, with passion, about politics, which is understandable but, s/he'll also argue, with the same passion, about conspiracy theories, or how bread machines really slice bread, despite "turning people off". S/he seems to have escape routes which don't help him/her escape. Instead, it hurts his/her relationships and opportunities.

Such people, often, continue their ineffective social interactions year after year, and continually fail in life. I may meet such a person after months of not seeing him/her, and I notice that s/he changed. What happened?

In one such case, the woman got married, found a great job, and her life became picture perfect. She found her own escape route, and didn't require the superficial attention that she previously needed.

I've often avoided debating with angry teenagers, because of the pattern described in the last two paragraphs. Instead I insist that our debates, and discussions, only take place after I've helped them find a job, apartment, and sometimes a spouse. Once I've done it, they usually decide that they don't feel the need to debate, and discuss, what was, until then, very important to them.

By Rabbi Shmuel Gluck

 Many people tell me that when their children, who are younger than 6 years old, are asked to sit quietly for a few short minutes, as a punishment, they "go wild". When teenagers' ask for rides and are rejected, they'll lash out disproportionately. When some simple things happens in the home, spouses may respond as if something more extreme has happened. Family members, and outside observers, may wonder why these people are overreacting. Is something really wrong with them?

While there may be many explanations for this seemingly illogical behavior, in this article, I'll offer two simple, common, ones.

1. All three people involved haven't learned any alternative response. They're missing basic social, and interactive, skills. Without an effective response the situation is incurable, and leaves the three of them with a feeling of severe frustration. When they're frustrated, their reaction becomes understandable.

Most people have felt helpless at some point of their lives, and it frustrated them. Now, imagine feeling constantly helpless, and the people around you don't see your frustration. On the contrary, they look "down" at you. From that perspective, their reaction to being frustrated becomes understandable.

A friend's five year old child would go into a frenzy at the slightest punishment. He didn't know that he could say, "If I sit quietly for five minutes, will I be able to go out and play?" The answer would have been yes, and the ordeal wouldn't have "required" several hours of crying and screaming. The child saw the rejection as something for which he had no way out.

In that scenario, the solution was to calmly explain to the child that s/he had an "escape route", and what it was. As the child matures, s/he's taught more escape routes, more negotiating skills, and, as a result, s/he becomes calmer, and more effective, as s/he becomes older.

The same explanation, and approach, applies to teenagers, and adults. They aren't "bad" or "insensitive". They haven't learned effective escape routes. There are two common (There are more than two) reasons that they haven't automatically developed these "skills" as they matured:

a) Their social skills aren't, naturally, strong. In some cases it's because they just never picked them up, or they may be "different" such as being autistic. When they do pick them up, they'll be the same as everyone.

b) Their parents shut down those routes. When they, respectfully, asked for a favor, the parents would respond impatiently, and reject it, when most parents would have compromised. These children had the natural skills, but were "taught" that those skills won't work.

Children see their homes as a "micro" world. They assume that whatever doesn't work in their homes, also won't work in other homes, and situations. After countless negative outcomes, they stop trying to use their instincts, and forget about escape routes. They become frustrated, angry, and lash out at others.

Understanding this in concept, and sensing it as a cause, will turn what seemed like an "impossible" person, into one who can be managed, and even be pleasant. It will turn crisis into control, and those who were expected to fail into those who'll choose success.

In order to help them to succeed, parents, and friends, need to be patient and, sometimes, even allow them to finish their tirades, before "walking" them through their escape routes. Parents and spouses, with a long history of negative interactions may not always be the best suited to do this although, after years of relationship building with the difficult child/spouse, they may be the only ones who can help them succeed.

2. All these people appear to interact ineffectively, and make subconscious decisions, unaware that they've made any choices. Most people have had conversations in which one of the people insists on arguing every point because, s/he believed, that s/he's the only one who understands what's being discussed. S/he may argue, with passion, about politics, which is understandable but, s/he'll also argue, with the same passion, about conspiracy theories, or how bread machines really slice bread, despite "turning people off". S/he seems to have escape routes which don't help him/her escape. Instead, it hurts his/her relationships and opportunities.

Such people, often, continue their ineffective social interactions year after year, and continually fail in life. I may meet such a person after months of not seeing him/her, and I notice that s/he changed. What happened?

In one such case, the woman got married, found a great job, and her life became picture perfect. She found her own escape route, and didn't require the superficial attention that she previously needed.

I've often avoided debating with angry teenagers, because of the pattern described in the last two paragraphs. Instead I insist that our debates, and discussions, only take place after I've helped them find a job, apartment, and sometimes a spouse. Once I've done it, they usually decide that they don't feel the need to debate, and discuss, what was, until then, very important to them.