A Request To Help Someone Appreciate Davening

By Rabbi Shmuel Gluck

I recently received this e-mail

I used to Daven from my heart Now I don't feel emotion, I don't Daven pleadingly, although I know deep down Hashem is right etc. and He can do anything on the surface I don't believe. I don't believe things will change. I also feel like a fraud and a lot of other things too. What am I meant to do?

I'm going to tell you what I did to appreciate Davening. I never resented Davening, but it never was my strength. However, there were two things which changed my attitude, during the last few years. One of them can be used by people of all ages, if they want to invest in the process. The other is "old man" stuff.

A. I understand Loshon Hakodesh well, and the words make sense to me. Over the years, snippets became relevant and, then, I began to pay attention to a dozen of the thousands of words I said every morning. While that's a pitiful percentage, shortly after, I added another group of words, and so on. At some point, the snippets started connecting with each other.

It was a slow process and I allowed it to happen because, unlike women, I've no choice, and must go through the process of Davening. Tefilla is still difficult for me, particularly since I'm usually tired, and my mind quickly races to the four billion other things that I have to do that day. Nevertheless, the snippets save me from a mindless Davening, as more snippets are added on a constant basis. Here are some examples.

1) Every day we say in Psukei D'zimro: (Tehilim 148) Aish U'vorod (fire and hail), Sheleg V'kitor (snow and smoke), Ruach S'o'ro (wild winds) Oseh D'voro (fulfill his word).

This sounded very poetic to me, and vague, with a dash of irrelevance until, one winter day, a friend of mine slipped on ice, while walking on the sidewalk. He was in the hospital for several months, and required several surgeries on his head. He recovered and is fully functioning.

What was that piece of ice doing there? It was Oseh D'voro. It was on a mission. The mission was to make him slip. Why he deserved/needed that ordeal is a separate conversation. From that time on, whenever I read those words I become humbled. Everything that happens, even if it seems random, such as a leaf blowing across a yard, is on a mission. That's something worth remembering. It became one of the first snippets that affected me and, since then, I try to look for others when I Daven.

2) During Pesukei D'zimro we also say: V'ho'osher V'ha'kovod Milfonecho, wealth and honor is before you. It compares money and honor. The amount of money people earn is decided by Hashem, every year. Even when people's efforts seem to make a difference, these have already been included in the decision "handed down" on Yom Kippur. Honor falls under the same category.

People love honor and do many things, some positive, and some negative, to be honored by others. Now that I realize that honor, like money, is given directly by Hashem, I've concluded that I don't have to worry about honor, since I'll receive whatever I'm supposed to receive. This has changed my priorities, and my decisions are being made more objectively. Finally, I'm less concerned when others receive attention that, in the past, I believed should've come to me.

3) I was, once, saying Shema, and the literal translation of one of the Posukim struck me. V'limadtem Osom (and you will teach them (your children)), Ledaber Bom (to speak in them (the Torah's words)). What should be the goal when people teach children Torah? Most people see it as giving knowledge, with, maybe, a focus on practical Halacha. However, there's more. It's also about teaching children, Ledaber Bom, to speak it, to talk the language of the Torah. That's more difficult than just teaching them information, but it's also more effective, and a task whose goal is understandable.

My growing collection of snippets has taken, and continues to take, years. Although I may be missing an appreciation of 70% of Tefilla, my appreciation of my snippets tells me that the number of snippets is always increasing, and that the balance between what I do, and don't, appreciate, will tilt until all of Tefilla will be meaningful to me.

B. The second change in my attitude towards Tefilla came as I became older, and was the result of two independent reasons.

1) As I got older, I realized more, and more, how meaningless, and powerless, individuals are, and how much we really need to lean on Hashem.

I see peers die suddenly, solutions to problems come out of nowhere, and the best of plans implode in an illogical manner. In addition, while I'm not, yet, deteriorating, as I age I'm getting a hint of what that would be. For example, I'm unable to sleep at night if I nap in the afternoon. This change, and other small changes, is humbling.  All of a sudden I realize that I desperately need Hashem to give me strength, and that nothing is certain. As you can imagine, there's much more that I can discuss on this subject.

2) I've learned a lot of Seforim that focus on Ahavas Haborei, love of Hashem, and similar topics. Their ideas are beginning to penetrate my mind, and my appreciation of them has begun to trickle into my Tefilla. In other words, I didn't "work" on my Tefilla, as much as my Tefilla has profited from my appreciation of my relationship with Hashem.

S/he responded:

How do you cope when you ask for something and the answer from Hashem is no. I find it very difficult to daven when I'm not getting my way. Are these all excuses? Or is it life is hard, this (teffilah) is hard (like getting out of bed is hard but you get up on time because I've got things to do)?

Never second guess people who have all the information necessary to make a decision, and you have little, if any, even if you're smarter than they are. Hashem has all the information necessary to make decisions about you, from when you were born (and before), and until you die (and beyond). Hashem, of course, isn't a peer, and has the ultimate wisdom, knowledge, objectivity, love, etc. Therefore, you can be frustrated (although that's also misplaced), but never resentful, because you have no idea whether the things happening will, or will not, eventually achieve your goals.

I recently experienced this lesson from my WAYZ. I had to meet someone at a specific time, but I was late, and tried unsuccessfully to "chop" off a few minutes by driving fast. However, my driving fast didn't change my arrival times according to WAYZ. What seemed to make matters worse was that we came to a "standstill". Although I was sitting in traffic, the minutes began to melt away. Instead of 48 minutes to my destination, it went to, 47, 46, then 45. Obviously, despite what I was experiencing at that moment, bumper to bumper traffic, at a future point, a previous traffic jam had cleared up.

What I learned was that people often think that what they observe taking place can help them (speeding to "cut off" a few minutes), but it doesn't always do them any good. Then, when they believe that they're "losing ground" in their lives, unbeknown to them, at a future point in their lives, things are "falling into place" and getting better, (as arrival time became shorter, despite sitting in traffic). 

I learned that we never have any idea of what's really happening, because we only see what's in front of us, e.g. a traffic jam, unaware that the road ahead has "opened". However, the opposite may also be true. We may believe that things are perfect for us when, in truth, Hashem is closing the road ahead of us. You must acknowledge that you really have no idea of what's going on at this point in your life. Therefore, in Tefilla, and in our general attitude towards Hashem, we must appreciate that we don't have enough information and, therefore, we must trust Hashem in every area of our lives.

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Parshas Vayishlach

By Rabbi Shmuel Gluck

 After leaving Lovon's home, Yakov delayed bringing the Korbon that he had promised to Hashem, when he left Yitzchok's home. After the incident with Dina, Hashem tells Yakov, Kum Alei Bais Keil, get up and go to Bais Keil, to fulfill your promise.

The Medrash, in Perek 81/2 says: Hashem tells Yakov, B'shas Okso (bitten) Nidro, Bshas Ravcho Shitfo (silent)? When things are difficult you make a Neder, but when things are good you are silent? This Medrash answered a question that has always bothered me. Why do I find in my own life, and the lives of others, that every day includes so many ups and downs? Several new opportunities emerge, while several other parts of my day, that I thought would "work out" fall apart? Why is there a daily roller coaster ride?

I, now, realize that the fluctuations are a part of Hashem's master plan. Hashem doesn't "need" people's lives to go up and down daily. Hashem is only reacting to the extreme fluctuation in people's moods, and levels of motivation. When things are going well, people, quickly, become complacent. When things become difficult, they become unhappy, and lose their motivation to do what they are supposed to do. Too many bad events crush people. Too many good ones, makes them complacent.

What should Hashem do to make people live life on an even keel? He has to give them something good to motivate them but, shortly after, something challenging to ensure that they don't become complacent. However, the challenge gets people "down" and, therefore, Hashem has to follow with something good. The roller coaster ride has begun.

People can stop the roller coaster ride by learning how to become unaffected by the daily events. They should always be happy, but never too happy; always serious, but never too serious. Consistent, positive, behavior will remove Hashem's need to create the constant checks and balances to which most people have become accustomed,  and about which they often complain.