Why Doesn't Everyone Think Like I Do? Part 2 Of 2, Living Life In A Bubble

By Rabbi Shmuel Gluck

One of the challenges that Mechanchim face is that for the majority of their day, they're surrounded by people who look up to them, seek their sage advice and, often, fawn over them.  Since they live in this "vacuum" they sometimes forget that, outside of that vacuum, they're considered, and treated, as "regular" people. They have to wait on lines, other people may have more expertise in some areas and, even if they're above average in many ways, they're still "regular" people. They live the majority of their lives in a bubble.     

Many Mechanchim are aware of this and place effort into not taking themselves too seriously. They'll remind themselves of this whether they're with their students, or on line in the grocery store. Even when they're with their students they'll try to remember that they're in a bubble, and act as they would in the "real" world. Other Mechanchim, sadly, are less aware that they live in a bubble.       

A recent story made me realize that all people live in a bubble. My Rosh Hayeshiva was telling me about a couple who came to his home to apologize for speaking to him harshly, when he advised their sibling to invite the "other" siblings, those  to whom they hadn't spoken to in years, to a family Simcha.

He said to them that they didn't have to apologize because, "I wasn't offended. They were right. I was just more "right". Their perspective, he explained, was that siblings who haven't spoken to each other for years shouldn't be invited. They felt hurt and mistreated. People, who feel hurt, and mistreated, shouldn't be expected to be gracious towards those who hurt them.  

However, people interpret, form opinions, and respond, based on their perspectives. Their perspectives are what they believe to be the "truth", even though it's only a collection of their personal experiences, biases, and agendas. However, experiences, biases and agendas create their bubble, and make them think "differently" from the rest of the world. As a result, their conclusions will also be different. Although they may be right, others may be more right.   

There are many different types of bubbles. For example, those living in a Chassidic community, who don't interact with those outside of their community, would represent a bubble. They'll believe whatever their community considers to be the norm. There's nothing wrong with living in a bubble, many of which are protective of the quality of life for which people long. Nevertheless, people must be aware that they're living in a bubble, and that many of their attitudes are formed in their bubble. They should be careful before drawing conclusions about those outside of their bubble. Their views may be right, but those of others may be just as, or more, right.

Older people who rarely come into contact with teenagers, and young adults, is another example of people who live in a bubble. There are certainly right, and wrong, ways for older people to do things, but there are alternative ways which are just as right for those outside of their bubble. There are many other bubbles and, few, if any, are exempt from being affected by their bubbles.

My being aware that people's perspectives, are just perspectives, changed the way I speak to people. It forced me to acknowledge that many of my strong opinions are only opinions. It forced me to comment less often and, when I do, to first make sure that my opinion is inherently right, and not just my way of doing things. 

People living in a bubble may be unaware that their views are personal, and won't easily give up their opinions. However, they still have a responsibility to correct them, with patience, and understanding. Opinions formed in bubbles are protected, because of the belief that those opinions must be more right than the opinions of others.     

Living in a bubble isn't harmless. It causes people to have convictions, when they should be open-minded, and to be stubborn, when they should be accepting. There's a scenario that presents itself, often enough, to me, that I believe would be helpful to share.

Every so often one parent, without their spouse, will ask my advice regarding what their son should do in the coming year. The reason the spouses didn't join the discussions was because they believed that I wouldn't appreciate the standards that they had in mind for their son. They may have wanted, and actually insisted, that their son become a Kolel man, businessman, or college graduate. They reasoned that coming to me, would amount to nothing more than my telling them, "so, let him leave Yeshiva/college and go to work". They believed that my advice would conflict with their standards.        

I, frequently, advise people to support their children's present needs, and realities and, as a result I'll suggest, to parents who don't want to listen to any compromise, the possibility that a son go to work. I'll suggest alternatives to family goals, more often than will others who, like me, strongly embrace the parents higher standards.   

Why should I do it and, why, when I do suggest it, should those with higher goals, and higher standards, listen? Why should they listen to the advice given to them, when the advice is contrary to their families' mission, whether it's college, business, or any other ideological following?

People have to realize that they live in a bubble. While their bubble may be a positive one, such as one that expects its children to go to Kolel. It's still their bubble. They must accept that their children may not choose to "join" them in their bubble. If they don't succeed, then my advice, to let their children live their lives in their own bubble, becomes practical advice.

The goal of this article was to remind people to think outside of "themselves" before responding. They should ask themselves, "What is that other person thinking?" They should remember that the other person may also be right, and deserves the respect of a response that acknowledges this. In addition, it was to also remind people that although their views may be right, the views of others may be more right. Be open, ask for advice, and live "real".

By Rabbi Shmuel Gluck

One of the challenges that Mechanchim face is that for the majority of their day, they're surrounded by people who look up to them, seek their sage advice and, often, fawn over them.  Since they live in this "vacuum" they sometimes forget that, outside of that vacuum, they're considered, and treated, as "regular" people. They have to wait on lines, other people may have more expertise in some areas and, even if they're above average in many ways, they're still "regular" people. They live the majority of their lives in a bubble.     

Many Mechanchim are aware of this and place effort into not taking themselves too seriously. They'll remind themselves of this whether they're with their students, or on line in the grocery store. Even when they're with their students they'll try to remember that they're in a bubble, and act as they would in the "real" world. Other Mechanchim, sadly, are less aware that they live in a bubble.       

A recent story made me realize that all people live in a bubble. My Rosh Hayeshiva was telling me about a couple who came to his home to apologize for speaking to him harshly, when he advised their sibling to invite the "other" siblings, those  to whom they hadn't spoken to in years, to a family Simcha.

He said to them that they didn't have to apologize because, "I wasn't offended. They were right. I was just more "right". Their perspective, he explained, was that siblings who haven't spoken to each other for years shouldn't be invited. They felt hurt and mistreated. People, who feel hurt, and mistreated, shouldn't be expected to be gracious towards those who hurt them.  

However, people interpret, form opinions, and respond, based on their perspectives. Their perspectives are what they believe to be the "truth", even though it's only a collection of their personal experiences, biases, and agendas. However, experiences, biases and agendas create their bubble, and make them think "differently" from the rest of the world. As a result, their conclusions will also be different. Although they may be right, others may be more right.   

There are many different types of bubbles. For example, those living in a Chassidic community, who don't interact with those outside of their community, would represent a bubble. They'll believe whatever their community considers to be the norm. There's nothing wrong with living in a bubble, many of which are protective of the quality of life for which people long. Nevertheless, people must be aware that they're living in a bubble, and that many of their attitudes are formed in their bubble. They should be careful before drawing conclusions about those outside of their bubble. Their views may be right, but those of others may be just as, or more, right.

Older people who rarely come into contact with teenagers, and young adults, is another example of people who live in a bubble. There are certainly right, and wrong, ways for older people to do things, but there are alternative ways which are just as right for those outside of their bubble. There are many other bubbles and, few, if any, are exempt from being affected by their bubbles.

My being aware that people's perspectives, are just perspectives, changed the way I speak to people. It forced me to acknowledge that many of my strong opinions are only opinions. It forced me to comment less often and, when I do, to first make sure that my opinion is inherently right, and not just my way of doing things. 

People living in a bubble may be unaware that their views are personal, and won't easily give up their opinions. However, they still have a responsibility to correct them, with patience, and understanding. Opinions formed in bubbles are protected, because of the belief that those opinions must be more right than the opinions of others.     

Living in a bubble isn't harmless. It causes people to have convictions, when they should be open-minded, and to be stubborn, when they should be accepting. There's a scenario that presents itself, often enough, to me, that I believe would be helpful to share.

Every so often one parent, without their spouse, will ask my advice regarding what their son should do in the coming year. The reason the spouses didn't join the discussions was because they believed that I wouldn't appreciate the standards that they had in mind for their son. They may have wanted, and actually insisted, that their son become a Kolel man, businessman, or college graduate. They reasoned that coming to me, would amount to nothing more than my telling them, "so, let him leave Yeshiva/college and go to work". They believed that my advice would conflict with their standards.        

I, frequently, advise people to support their children's present needs, and realities and, as a result I'll suggest, to parents who don't want to listen to any compromise, the possibility that a son go to work. I'll suggest alternatives to family goals, more often than will others who, like me, strongly embrace the parents higher standards.   

Why should I do it and, why, when I do suggest it, should those with higher goals, and higher standards, listen? Why should they listen to the advice given to them, when the advice is contrary to their families' mission, whether it's college, business, or any other ideological following?

People have to realize that they live in a bubble. While their bubble may be a positive one, such as one that expects its children to go to Kolel. It's still their bubble. They must accept that their children may not choose to "join" them in their bubble. If they don't succeed, then my advice, to let their children live their lives in their own bubble, becomes practical advice.

The goal of this article was to remind people to think outside of "themselves" before responding. They should ask themselves, "What is that other person thinking?" They should remember that the other person may also be right, and deserves the respect of a response that acknowledges this. In addition, it was to also remind people that although their views may be right, the views of others may be more right. Be open, ask for advice, and live "real".